Glenn Quagmire is one of the most inappropriate characters ever in adult cartoons. For a character in Family Guy, that's saying something. It's a show where everyone's offensive, politically, incorrect, sexist, racist, and everything else that best describes the YouTube comment section.
Quagmire is... imagine Big Bang Theory's Howard Wolowitz but creepier and more prone to sexually assaulting anything that looks remotely female. As such, his usual banter with the opposite sex ranges from questionably hilarious to downright sicko humor. Here are 10 of those pickup lines to prove the point.
"HI, I MAKE MORE MONEY THAN YOU CAN SPEND."
Quagmire is spearing gold-digger culture a bit here, but it's a lot funnier in cartoons than it is in real-life situations. So a word of warning: never try this one in dating sites, unless you want to go viral in the worst way. Obviously, you don't want to go around saying this to people in real-life, unless you want a swollen hot red cheek.
It's usually Quagmire's go-to for picking up faceless random women in cartoons. In Quagmire's case, it's surprising that even works half the time.
"THAT DRESS WOULD LOOK GREAT ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO MY BED."
Quagmire's got two ways of going about pick-up lines: blunt and clever, and this one sort-of falls somewhere in the middle. It's immediately obvious what he's getting at, but there's also some clever wordplay going on there.
What's worrying is thinking of whatever goes on in Quagmire's bed. Family Guy has given us many hints and peeks before and they are gritty. Quagmire's room and bed has seen its share of human trafficking, torture, and unwanted pregnancies. Coming from him, it sounds like a psycho-killer's line.
"BEAUTY IS ONLY A LIGHT SWITCH AWAY."
Have you ever wanted to see how fast a person can splash their drink on you after saying a pickup line? This one's got you covered. Of course, that's assuming how buzzed they are; higher sobriety means more chances of them taking it the wrong way. Oh wait, it is a wrong pickup line in all respects.
For one, Quagmire is basically implying that the person whom he says that to only looks good and tolerable in sex when the lights are off.
"I THINK I COULD FALL MADLY IN BED WITH YOU."
Oh boy, the number of underlying connotations and issues we could discuss with this pickup line. Somehow, Family Guy made Quagmire a satirical representation of sex addicts who off sex for love. Granted, this pickup line isn't exactly that appalling compared to the others; it can work if you're into casual sex, like Quagmire.
Still, it's best said after a round of alcohol to soften the blow and the recipient's rationality. You don't want to say this to someone who's serious about dating. Quagmire, on the other hand, didn't think twice about uttering this outrageous pick-up line.
"PARDON ME, ARE YOU A SCREAMER OR A MOANER."
Next up is a quick primer on how to make your conversation partner uncomfortable. You see, when Quagmire usually lets these words rip, the show abruptly follows it with a cut to the next scene or joke. That's for good reason since any woman who Quagmire says this to will usually walk away or slap him, or both.
Also, one might wonder what Quagmire does to a woman to make her scream-- no, we don't have just pleasure in mind, it's probably something more sinister? In any case, it's a one-way ticket to creep-topia for anyone who uses this as a pickup line among regular people.
"DID YOU KNOW THE WORD OF THE DAY IS 'LEG.' WHY DON'T WE GO BACK TO MY PLACE AND SPREAD THE WORD?"
Well, that's one way to stupefy the person you're hitting on. It's quite possibly the most clever way of saying to someone that you want to open their legs, which isn't too sinister if you're a gynecologist. As usual, context changes if the person saying it is a sexually addicted male in a bar, in this case, Quagmire again.
It's certainly not the most amusing toilet humor in Family Guy but it's Quagmire's finest pickup line to date. Any other version of "I'd like to open your legs" would've been met with a 911 call or a trip to the pavement outside the establishment.
"SO YOU LADIES EVER BEEN PENETRATED?"
Way to be blunt. Given how creative Quagmire can get with his pickup lines sometimes, this one's a bit of an outlier. It's even less entertaining than "Giggity, Giggity, Giggity, let's have sex". It's a more graphic version of "are you still a virgin" but this one makes for an off-putting truth or dare question.
"HEY THERE, I DON'T WANNA COME BETWEEN YOU... OR DO I?"
We're not sure if "inappropriately smooth" is even a thing but you never know with Glenn Quagmire. These words were uttered (again with pure maniac confidence) with two random party girls in mind. Quagmire literally places himself between them while they were talking then casually says this perfect multiple-interpretation line.
Again, it's one of the smoother ways to say that he wanted to bed either of them without any other implied ideas. Other than that, it may or may not be a good ice breaker for when you want to approach two girls at a party and introduce yourself... assuming you've no malicious plans with them, you.
"OH! SORRY, I THOUGHT THAT WAS A BRAILLE NAME TAG."
Goodness, gracious. We don't know what's more awful, pretending to be a blind person or pretending to accidentally grope someone. There are other versions of this joke of a pickup line, but it mostly involves mimicking other disabilities like crutches or other even injuries.
Other than Quagmire, the only other person who would stoop so low just to get laid would be Brian Griffin. We're sure you're aware why this would be so wrong on so many levels to use in real-life other than the fact that you'd have to pretend to be blind.
"WANNA HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX?"
Ladies and gentlemen, Glenn Quagmire, promoting the spread of STDs and unwanted pregnancies ever since he could say "giggity goo." Not even five minutes after Quagmire enters an elementary school, he immediately propositions one of the school teachers to have raw coitus with him. What's even worse is the scene before that.
Quagmire actually finds out that he has several illegitimate children in the said school due to his promiscuity. Even so, he proceeds to make the same mistake again. As for you dear reader, this is a banned pickup line and would only work if you're married and want to start a family. If you can't find what's inappropriate with this, then stop reading articles about yourself, Quagmire.